The Kingpins of Cowtown

Rage against the vending machine

This morning when I went to get my little white donuts from the vending machine, one of the most annoying things this side of paper cuts and Yanni music happened: The donuts got stuck. And I saw red. 

So I did what any honest, hard-working American who had just plunked down 75 cents for a delicious six-pack of Mrs. Baird's powdered donuts would do: I began to rock the machine like a mad man.

As I was walking back to my desk, with my donuts and the satisfied feeling that I taught that devilish vending machine a lesson, I decided, you know what, I'm never doing that again. Because who wants to end up like these poor shmoes.

But the rage you feel is real, whether it's 75 cents in a vending machine or 50 bucks at the gas pump. Hey, can you get hurt kicking one of those?

Freaky Five: Sex dungeon dad

Father who kept daughter in sex dungeon says he's no monster.

But he ain't exactly father of the year, is he?

Musician hiccupping for 15 months hopes surgery will cure him.

If not, he'll audition for American Idol.

It's close, but no cigar record for Cuba's rolling king.

What an ol' stogie!

Catholic church opposes 'festival of nudity'.

Thongs are A-OK, though.

Vicar sees red over Gladiator whose 'boobs are too big.'

Somebody's been watching too many Xena reruns.

Don't lie, Don't lie, don't blame it on the other guy

I watch Wubbzy with my son, and you know how those songs get stuck in your head ....

Well, Don't Lie, Don't Lie popped into my head when I was reading this story about the Carrollton mayor, Becky "Pinky" Miller, who may not have told the whole truth about being a back-up singer for Linda Ronstadt or being engaged to Don Henley. Among other things.

Maybe Becky should watch some Wubbzy, too.

Kincaid's still at a stalemate

I was at LaGrave Field the other night, shooting some video in anticipation of the Fort Worth Cats' season opener on Thursday, and I noticed a sign for Kincaid's Burgers. Turns out the stadium sells Kincaid's by the boatload at games.

But it got me wondering ... what ever happened with the dispute over the jacked up rent at the original Kincaid's location on Camp Bowie.

And when you've got a question about restaurants in these parts, Bud "Eats Beat" Kennedy is the man to ask. Here's his update:

Kincaid's is still looking for a new location on the west side of Fort Worth. And the owner of the building is looking at options such as a gourmet to-go type restaurant that would work for the location, which doesn't have much parking. So, unfortunately for fans of the old-school burger joint, the stalemate is continuing.

Bud says Kincaid's has a month-to-month lease till August, but they could announce a new location any time. I've put in a call to Ron Gentry, the owner of Kincaid's, who just so happened to be out at LaGrave Field today getting ready for the opener. I'll keep ya posted.

Go Cats!

 

Mario not so super on Dancing with the Stars

He had the hip-hop moves and the smokin' hot chemistry with Karina, but the fans just weren't feelin' it for Mario, the young R&B singer who was voted off Dancing with the Stars last night.

I had predicted Mario would make the finals, but the judges, particularly Len, built up an unhealthy dislike for Mario, even though the guy couldn't be more charming. He can seek solace in the arms of Sabrina, the Cheetah Girl who was also dismissed too soon.

This week's shows were all about Cristian and his wounded wing. He danced through the pain of a ruptured biceps tendon, and earned the top scores.

Woop-dee-doo. He bores me. So does Kristi, even though she's going to win.

The semifinals are next week. Here's hoping we get a better cast of dancers next season.

Freaky Five: May he rest in Pabst Blue Ribbon?

Chicago Man to be buried in beer can coffin.

Until he's on ice, the owner is using the casket as a cooler -- really!

Substitute teacher fired for practicing wizardry.

He tried, but failed, to make students disappear.

Father prosecuted for flying Jolly Roger at daughter's birthday.

What a plunder!

Boy retires Favre jersey after wearing it for four straight years.

Somebody call child services, please.

Chocolatey breath exposes candy-bar thief.

Police snickered as they cuffed him.

Avery Johnson takes the (high) road less traveled

The guy ends up taking the fall for the Dallas Mavericks failure as an organization, yet he couldn't be more gracious. Watch his news conference today, and try to remember the last time you've seen anyone in pro sports be this reasonable.

Dancing with the Stars: Shannon is gone ...

Stupid me ... I forgot to watch one night of DWTS and it turns out to be the big dramatic night when a celeb is struck down with an injury and almost dies.

Lucky me ... DWTS recaps, in painstaking detail, the Monday night show on Tuesday. So instead of watching the Mavs lay down like dogs in the playoffs, I got to relive, in all of it's slo-mo glory, Cristian de la Fuente rupturing his bicep tendon.

Nasty. Serves the dude right, though, for having such big muscles. He'll get no sympathy here.

Voters, however, felt sorry for him, and not Shannon Elizabeth, who blubbered Monday night when the judges said she danced like a dork. (Or was that her partner who said that?).

Note to Shannon: There's no crying in ballroom. Faint or break a hip, and we'll talk.

Cristian, meanwhile, needs surgery but is going to put on his best bull-fighter face and gut it out. Wow, I bet Cheryl Burke can't wait for that first lift next week.

Finally, I must pause a moment to marvel at the ongoing, bizarre beauty of DWTS: Where else could Def Leppard, Kenny Maine in makeup and mainstream sex kitten Samantha Harris all co-exist on one stage?   

Listen to me on the BBC

As promised, here is the interview I did with the lovely and talented Jane O'Brien of the BBC about bowling in America. The report was sandwiched between a fascinating piece on the murderous Mungiki tribe of Kenya and the plight of Arab-Israelis.

Don't ya just love the BBC.

I love Twinkies

Just wanted to say that ... They've got 'em on the counter at Bailey's BBQ in downtown, and for only 40 cents, I can hardly resist.

I'm eating one right now.

And I would never do this to such a scrumptious dessert.

Bowling with the BBC

I had my 15 seconds of bowling fame last Friday, when a lovely reporter from the BBC interviewed me about America's love affair with bowling.

Guess she read this lil' ol blog -- which means at least one person besides my mom has.

Jane O'Brien and I had a grand time at the Cowtown Bowling Palace in Fort Worth, where we talked about everything from Fred Flintstone to Barack Obama's recent misery on the lanes. (I hope to have a link to the interview soon, though I'm sure everything we chatted about won't make it into the final cut.)

Jane had not bowled often, but I coaxed her into giving it a try, and with only a few pointers, she quickly made two spares in a row. Obama, eat your heart out.

Marlee Matlin gets the hook

If there were ever any doubts about the no-mercy judging on Dancing with the Stars, it was wiped away last night as the show disposed of its first deaf competitor, Marlee Matlin.

She was gracious in defeat, and there was lots of "your you're an inspiration" applause, but bottom line: she wasn't good enough. On DWTS, that means your a goner.

Behind it's nicey-nice facade, this show is brutal, but fair.

Freaky Five: Giving new meaning to alligator shoes

Quick, toss me the gator broom!

Woman finds 8-foot alligator in her Florida kitchen

Just turn off the mechanical bull

Church holds service in Pub Lounge

'And have you seen Elvis lately?'

Elvis' secret UK visit revealed

Willing to die for your art?

German artist wants to put dying person in exhibit

No, please, not there ... oh!

Jury rejects suit over attempted rectal exam

Dancing with the Stars: Priscilla has left the building

I'm a little slow on the DVR button, but I managed to watch just enough of Dancing with the Stars last night to see Priscilla Presley take her final bow.

The week before, it was Adam Corolla who got the boot, which proves my theory that despite all its pomp and circumstance, DWTS may be the most fair and on-the-money reality TV contest out there.

They always manage to get rid of the weakest dancers and the grating personalities, so that when it comes down to the final few weeks, you are seeing the best dancers and most charismatic competitors.

That said, it's not really necessary to watch until they get to that point. See you in a few weeks, Mario and Kristi.

Stuck in an elevator for 41 hours? Kill me now

Warning to all claustrophobics, this video may be too harrowing to watch. But it is fascinating.

Freaky Five: When animals attack

It's hard out there for a hedgehog ... and a bull... and a camel:

Man accused of using hedgehog as weapon.

Tough turkeys pecking on postal workers.

Angry townspeople put destructive bull behind bars.

Gender-bending dress-up day at elementary school sparks outrage.

Crown prince pays $2.7 million for beauty-pageant winning camel.

The headless Beatle? Ringo decapitated

He may be known as the funny Beatle, or the least talented Beatle (who at least married a Bond girl), but now Ringo Starr can be known as The Headless Beatle.

His mop top got lopped off of a topiary that was recently unveiled outside a Liverpool train station. The rest of the flora and Fab Four-a went unpruned.

In a recent interview, Ringo was quoted as saying he didn't miss a thing about Liverpool, which led newspapers in town to blame local vigilantes for the beheading.

I'd rather blame Yoko. ... For everything.

Going batty at work

I know people have been saying the newspaper industry is doomed, but this is ridiculous ... a bat flew through the Star-T newsroom today!

What next, buzzards?

Good thing I moved my desk from behind the supply cabinet to a palatial office right by the men's crapper -- otherwise I might have been mauled by the creature.

Brave photo editor David "Batboy" Kent snared the  critter in a net, which he just so happened to have on hand for such occasions. He later set the flying rodent free -- in the publisher's office.

It's a scary business, folks.

Russian Army sings Sweet Home Alabama?

Kim Jong Il, eat your heart out.

Freaky Five: Toxic toads and flying spaghetti?

Flying Spaghetti Monster lands outside Tenn. courthouse.

Politician wants to declare open season on toxic toads.

Burglar on the lam tries to play dead at funeral home.

Hello, 911: We have a cow in our pool. (Video)

Pro tennis player smashes himself with racket.

Dancing with the Stars: Giving the Gut the boot

Steve Guttenberg got the heave-ho on last night's DWTS. Told ya.

Now he can go back to being Wilford Brimley's pool boy.

Bowling coach available for hire: cheap

Did ya get a load of Hillary Clinton's April Fool's Day gag?  With a straight face, she challenged Barack Obama to a winner-takes-all bowling match for delegates and the Democratic presidential nomination.

If only things were that easy.

I feel bad for Barack, who is taking a lot of guff for his miserable 37 (in 7 frames) during a recent campaign stop at an Altoona bowling alley. (I say, give the guy some credit for even going to Altoona, much less bowling there.) So I am officially offering my services to all of the candidates. Free bowling lessons, if they promise not to mess up the country worse than it already is.

Personally, I'm glad bowling has become such a key ingredient to being president. Let's put those lanes in the White House to good use and have a bowling president we can all be proud of.

Barack, Hilly, JMac, call me ....

Spitzer in all his glory

Here's the magazine cover of the century.

Obama bowls a 37; campaign doomed to fail

They were the gutter balls heard 'round the world.

Barack Obama went bowling recently in Altoona, Pa., to show the world he's a man of the people. Except he bowls like a politician. Actually, like a blind politician. He rolled a 37.

And somehow, in the collectively narrow minds of political wonks -- who must be bored out of their skulls waiting for the next Larry Craig or Eliot Spitzer scandal -- this means Obama's done. He can't be president.

Funny how these things take on a life of their own. I watched a video of Obama's bowling form, and I'd say he just needs a little more follow through -- like most politicians.

And, besides, as the sage Jon Stewart said last night on the Daily Show, President Bush is by far the best first-ball-thrower-outer in the history of the White House, and, well, you do the math.

Showing my intestinal fortitude

Sorry I've been AWOL from the blog for a couple days, but I was trapped inside a giant colon!

When I finally got out, I watched one of the world's top classical pianists play ping pong at a Steinway store in Fort Worth.

Needless to say, it's been a bizarre few days.

Google blackout

Those wily guys at Google are at it again.

If you went to "google" anything today (March 29), this is what you got.

The Google guys were expressing solidarity with the World Wildlife Fund, which asked everyone everywhere to turn off their lights for an hour between 8 and 9 p.m. local time -- Earth Hour -- as a symbolic demonstration against global warming. They included an explanation of their effort.

A nod to Al Gore for creating the internet?

-- T-Bone

Freaky Five: Man expecting baby ... need I say more?

Pregnant man is expecting baby in July

Chinese tortoise craves nicotine fix

Man claims Bigfoot molested him

Prosecutors decide to drop charges against 93-year-old in sex sting

Missing New York pastor found at Ohio strip club

Freaky Five: $10 million toilet paper?

In Zimbabwe, $10 million will get you 2 rolls of toilet paper.
So, can you spare a square for $27,000?

LA company creates greeting cards for your beloved behind bars.
Shanks for the sentiment, dear.

Canadians try to "Caddy Shack" pesky gophers, start grass fire.
Um, it's a Cinderella story...

Woman pulls gun on deliverymen who refuse to take off their shoes.
No biggie. Last week, she threatened to kneecap the gardener.

Russian shepherd sues space agency over fallen rocket parts that nearly crushed outhouse.
This guy doesn't take any crap from anyone.

DWTS: Penn Jillette goes poof

he giant magician/comedian couldn't conjure up enough hoo-doo voo-doo to keep him dancing, and neither could Monica Seles. She's sweet as could be, but about as graceful as Michael Moore at a Republican fund-raiser.

My only wish is that this show, and its sadistic taffy-pulling producers, would give the heave-ho to a few more couples each week so we could get to some real dancing.

It's a flavorless crop of stars this season -- Kristi Yamiguchi is an elegant dancer, but she's got the personality of an ice skate. And Jason Taylor, well, the hunky football star is great -- if you like dancing mannequins.

So please, oh, please, just boot Toyota Carolla and The Gut and the way-too-bubbly Broadway girl, and get on with things, puleeze!!

Who was that famous person, anyway?

At first I think, "Why didn't I come up with that?" and then, "There's a reason ..."

Tania Cowher, a commercial photographer in Austin, "thought it would be fun to provide everyday people with the experience of being a celebrity," according to her Web site, Celeb4aday.

For a nominal fee (for people like us) we can live the dream: have our own personal paparazzi follow us around on a downtown outing, fall over themselves to snap our picture outside the concert hall, pepper us with questions like, "Where's Britney?!" and create a scene as they loudly greet us at Planet Hollywood. Famous.

Evidently there's quite a market for this, and of course there would be. Cowher's company has expanded to Los Angeles and San Francisco. (Can Cowtown be far behind?) Time magazine recently featured this trend.

TV did a bit on it this week, showing a guy on the street getting caught up in the excitement of a Celeb-4-a-Day nobody lit up by parazzi. He quickly pulls out his camera-phone, clicks a snapshot of her and turns and asks, "Who is that?"

It's Amanda, duh!

-- T-Bone

Freaky Five: Cavalcade of cops nab stolen doughnut truck

Along the lines of man bites dog, we've got ...

Nine police officers chase down stolen doughnut truck.
The thieves were said to be glazed and confused.

Workers p.o.'d about Qwest's suggestion they use portable urinal bags.
Human resources suggests additional potty training is required.

Mom arrested after 6-year-old daughter pulls off bank job.
Her two-year-old was driving the getaway car.

Man gets stolen Mustang back -- 38 years and 300,000 miles later.
Boy are his feet tired ...

World's most expensive apartment goes for $240 million.
But that includes free cable.

Don't hate Nike, just the Nike ad

Not to sound like a cranky old man, but here's a high-gloss version of what's wrong with sports today.

Sure, it's just a Nike ad, but somewhere there's a rage-aholic Little League dad watching it and getting a bit too revved up. Or a high school football player trying to resist the urge to take steroids, who'll see this and give it a another thought. Or a little kid who will think it's OK to be a trash-talker because, well, LT of the San Diego Chargers is doing it right there on my TV.

It's a shame, I think, that Nike has to resort to that to keep up with the UnderArmors of the world. 

Sermonizing, over and out.

Lost and Found: I love that movie

David Spade really is one of our most underappreciated sniveling little actors on the planet. ...

Come to think of it, he reminds me of the waifish scientist guy who landed on Lost -- just one of the many annoying "mysterious" characters who have parachuted onto the Grand Central Station of deserted islands this season.

While I'll admit my esteemed colleague makes some compelling arguments in favor of Lost, and, unlike me, has actual information to back up her opinions, she's clearly spent too much time in the hatch.

I mean, if I have to endure another "emotional chess match" between Locke and Ben, I will shoot them both and toss them in a mass grave. And how many times are the islanders going to get fooled by Juliette? And then forgive her!?!

And did Kate have Sawyer's baby in the flash-forward and just name it Aaron? Or is she really raising Claire's baby? Maybe the dingo ate her baby?

No matter, Claire's probably gonna eat it tonight.

Now, I'll admit that Lost has thrown some intriguing possibilities into the sea this season, but it's like a drunken octopus who's been blinded by a jellyfish -- all of it's tentacles flailing around in so many directions that its bound to sink and die a slow, painful death.

OK, even I confess that made no sense. Top that, Heather!

I've Lost that loving feeling

I was just having a conversation with a friend about Lost, which is one of the few shows I make a point to watch every week. She thinks it's great this season; I think it's about as exciting as Jack's facial hair.

From what I can tell, I'm the only who feels this way. It's gotten hosannas all around, but all I can say is I'm glad that tonight is the final show for awhile. We're promised another key character will bite the dust.

Promises, promises.

Freaky Five: Olympians don't know squat about toilets in China

Laughin' all the way to the bank ... or bunk:

Man gets 30 days in jail for taco theft

Japan names cartoon cat ambassador

Olympic Loo Refit After Squat Complaints

Fleeing shoplifter forgets son

Loaded gun found in stroller

Bowling gets the Sims treatment

I've seen several reviews in the last few days of the new Sims bowling game. And who hasn't seen stories on Wii bowling and how much fun nursing home patients are having with it.

I think it's great that more people are having fun with bowling, but here's a tip:

Bowling for real is more fun.

DWTS: Weakest season yet?

After watching Night 2 of the interminable premiere of Dancing with the Stars, I feel safe in saying that this season will not measure up to the last few -- and that's not because we don't have any locals on it.

The women were just boring. Monica Seles was hopeless. The Broadway gal from Hairspary was too bubbly to bear, and, of course, Olympic skater Kristi Yamiguchi was head and shoulders above the rest. Doesn't Priscilla Presley looks like a wax figure? Sure, Shannon Elizabeth is hot (and leggy), but DWTS's fans and judges always hate the hottie; she's a goner.

The only intrigue is watching "profoundly deaf" Marlee Matlin to see whether she'll spin out of control on the floor. But for my money, it's not as much of a potential train-wreck as hoping Heather Mills fake leg flies off, but that's just me.

 

Freaky Five: Bathing with your cell phones?

Dialing 1-800-wacky, for your reading pleasure:

Nearly half of Japanese bathe with cell phones, poll shows.

Strip club patron says he was blinded by dancer's stiletto.

Distraught man to auction his entire life on eBay.

Swan breaks up with swan-shaped paddle boat.

Schoolgirl stops runaway bus; gets detention.

Ben and Jerry's goes bye-bye!!!

Say it isn't so!!!! If this has anything to do with that incident where I spilled my smoothie -- twice -- I'm sooooo sorry. C'mon Ben, Jerry, give a guy a break!

Dancing with the Stars: Last tango?

I know you will be sad to hear this, but I am not going to blog religiously during this season of Dancing with the Stars. I watched the premiere last night, and I think I've got better things to do with my time -- like clip my toenails.

But for old time's sake, here's my expert opinion: The men are doomed.

They've taken home the mirror-ball trophy the last four seasons, but not this time: These guys are awful! Especially Adam Corolla, Penn Jillette and Steve Guttenberg, whose tan and smile both seem sprayed on. Their only hope? if The Robot is added as a ballroom dance.

Mario, the hunky R&B singer, is the only bright spot, but expect him to get the Cheetah Girl treatment. Nobody knows him, and, hello!!, he's a professional dancer already.

I'm rooting for Monica Seles, who looks fabulous -- if a bit too much like Celine Dion. And I'm curious about Marlee Matlin, who seems a bit cocky for a dancer who can't hear. We'll see.

Read about all the dancers in Heather Svokos' fun story here.