The Kingpins of Cowtown

Dancing with the Stars: Shannon is gone ...

Stupid me ... I forgot to watch one night of DWTS and it turns out to be the big dramatic night when a celeb is struck down with an injury and almost dies.

Lucky me ... DWTS recaps, in painstaking detail, the Monday night show on Tuesday. So instead of watching the Mavs lay down like dogs in the playoffs, I got to relive, in all of it's slo-mo glory, Cristian de la Fuente rupturing his bicep tendon.

Nasty. Serves the dude right, though, for having such big muscles. He'll get no sympathy here.

Voters, however, felt sorry for him, and not Shannon Elizabeth, who blubbered Monday night when the judges said she danced like a dork. (Or was that her partner who said that?).

Note to Shannon: There's no crying in ballroom. Faint or break a hip, and we'll talk.

Cristian, meanwhile, needs surgery but is going to put on his best bull-fighter face and gut it out. Wow, I bet Cheryl Burke can't wait for that first lift next week.

Finally, I must pause a moment to marvel at the ongoing, bizarre beauty of DWTS: Where else could Def Leppard, Kenny Maine in makeup and mainstream sex kitten Samantha Harris all co-exist on one stage?   

Listen to me on the BBC

As promised, here is the interview I did with the lovely and talented Jane O'Brien of the BBC about bowling in America. The report was sandwiched between a fascinating piece on the murderous Mungiki tribe of Kenya and the plight of Arab-Israelis.

Don't ya just love the BBC.

I love Twinkies

Just wanted to say that ... They've got 'em on the counter at Bailey's BBQ in downtown, and for only 40 cents, I can hardly resist.

I'm eating one right now.

And I would never do this to such a scrumptious dessert.

Bowling with the BBC

I had my 15 seconds of bowling fame last Friday, when a lovely reporter from the BBC interviewed me about America's love affair with bowling.

Guess she read this lil' ol blog -- which means at least one person besides my mom has.

Jane O'Brien and I had a grand time at the Cowtown Bowling Palace in Fort Worth, where we talked about everything from Fred Flintstone to Barack Obama's recent misery on the lanes. (I hope to have a link to the interview soon, though I'm sure everything we chatted about won't make it into the final cut.)

Jane had not bowled often, but I coaxed her into giving it a try, and with only a few pointers, she quickly made two spares in a row. Obama, eat your heart out.

Marlee Matlin gets the hook

If there were ever any doubts about the no-mercy judging on Dancing with the Stars, it was wiped away last night as the show disposed of its first deaf competitor, Marlee Matlin.

She was gracious in defeat, and there was lots of "your you're an inspiration" applause, but bottom line: she wasn't good enough. On DWTS, that means your a goner.

Behind it's nicey-nice facade, this show is brutal, but fair.

Freaky Five: Giving new meaning to alligator shoes

Quick, toss me the gator broom!

Woman finds 8-foot alligator in her Florida kitchen

Just turn off the mechanical bull

Church holds service in Pub Lounge

'And have you seen Elvis lately?'

Elvis' secret UK visit revealed

Willing to die for your art?

German artist wants to put dying person in exhibit

No, please, not there ... oh!

Jury rejects suit over attempted rectal exam

Dancing with the Stars: Priscilla has left the building

I'm a little slow on the DVR button, but I managed to watch just enough of Dancing with the Stars last night to see Priscilla Presley take her final bow.

The week before, it was Adam Corolla who got the boot, which proves my theory that despite all its pomp and circumstance, DWTS may be the most fair and on-the-money reality TV contest out there.

They always manage to get rid of the weakest dancers and the grating personalities, so that when it comes down to the final few weeks, you are seeing the best dancers and most charismatic competitors.

That said, it's not really necessary to watch until they get to that point. See you in a few weeks, Mario and Kristi.

Stuck in an elevator for 41 hours? Kill me now

Warning to all claustrophobics, this video may be too harrowing to watch. But it is fascinating.

Freaky Five: When animals attack

It's hard out there for a hedgehog ... and a bull... and a camel:

Man accused of using hedgehog as weapon.

Tough turkeys pecking on postal workers.

Angry townspeople put destructive bull behind bars.

Gender-bending dress-up day at elementary school sparks outrage.

Crown prince pays $2.7 million for beauty-pageant winning camel.

The headless Beatle? Ringo decapitated

He may be known as the funny Beatle, or the least talented Beatle (who at least married a Bond girl), but now Ringo Starr can be known as The Headless Beatle.

His mop top got lopped off of a topiary that was recently unveiled outside a Liverpool train station. The rest of the flora and Fab Four-a went unpruned.

In a recent interview, Ringo was quoted as saying he didn't miss a thing about Liverpool, which led newspapers in town to blame local vigilantes for the beheading.

I'd rather blame Yoko. ... For everything.

Going batty at work

I know people have been saying the newspaper industry is doomed, but this is ridiculous ... a bat flew through the Star-T newsroom today!

What next, buzzards?

Good thing I moved my desk from behind the supply cabinet to a palatial office right by the men's crapper -- otherwise I might have been mauled by the creature.

Brave photo editor David "Batboy" Kent snared the  critter in a net, which he just so happened to have on hand for such occasions. He later set the flying rodent free -- in the publisher's office.

It's a scary business, folks.

Russian Army sings Sweet Home Alabama?

Kim Jong Il, eat your heart out.

Freaky Five: Toxic toads and flying spaghetti?

Flying Spaghetti Monster lands outside Tenn. courthouse.

Politician wants to declare open season on toxic toads.

Burglar on the lam tries to play dead at funeral home.

Hello, 911: We have a cow in our pool. (Video)

Pro tennis player smashes himself with racket.

Dancing with the Stars: Giving the Gut the boot

Steve Guttenberg got the heave-ho on last night's DWTS. Told ya.

Now he can go back to being Wilford Brimley's pool boy.

Bowling coach available for hire: cheap

Did ya get a load of Hillary Clinton's April Fool's Day gag?  With a straight face, she challenged Barack Obama to a winner-takes-all bowling match for delegates and the Democratic presidential nomination.

If only things were that easy.

I feel bad for Barack, who is taking a lot of guff for his miserable 37 (in 7 frames) during a recent campaign stop at an Altoona bowling alley. (I say, give the guy some credit for even going to Altoona, much less bowling there.) So I am officially offering my services to all of the candidates. Free bowling lessons, if they promise not to mess up the country worse than it already is.

Personally, I'm glad bowling has become such a key ingredient to being president. Let's put those lanes in the White House to good use and have a bowling president we can all be proud of.

Barack, Hilly, JMac, call me ....

Spitzer in all his glory

Here's the magazine cover of the century.

Obama bowls a 37; campaign doomed to fail

They were the gutter balls heard 'round the world.

Barack Obama went bowling recently in Altoona, Pa., to show the world he's a man of the people. Except he bowls like a politician. Actually, like a blind politician. He rolled a 37.

And somehow, in the collectively narrow minds of political wonks -- who must be bored out of their skulls waiting for the next Larry Craig or Eliot Spitzer scandal -- this means Obama's done. He can't be president.

Funny how these things take on a life of their own. I watched a video of Obama's bowling form, and I'd say he just needs a little more follow through -- like most politicians.

And, besides, as the sage Jon Stewart said last night on the Daily Show, President Bush is by far the best first-ball-thrower-outer in the history of the White House, and, well, you do the math.