The Kingpins of Cowtown

Dancing with the Stars: Told ya

The worst kept secret in DWTS history is out: Kristi Yamaguchi is the winner.

For those of you who didn't know that in Week 1, now you know.

Kristi will be Dancing's queen

Jason Taylor and Cristian de la Fuente -- the Incredible Hunks of this season's Dancing with the Stars -- did everything they could to impress the judges last night. Cristian shook his tush like a stripper and Jason actually did strip. His partner, Edyta, tore off his shirt in the final flourish of their freestyle.

But it was all to no avail. Kristi Yamaguchi --  the Gooch, I call her -- blew 'em away.

The only question now is how Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris will fill two hours on tonight's results show with the winner already a foregone conclusion. Kristi got a perfect 60 from the judges, and Jason and Cristian didn't.

Normally, I'd say there might be a chance of an upset, but not this time. Neither Jason nor Cristian is off-the-charts popular, and DWTS needs a female champion. The Olympian deserves the gold.

Give our regards to Broadway, Marissa

She was the comeback kid on this season of DWTS, but the curtain fell last night on Marissa Jaret Winokur's Cinderlla story. (How many more cliches I can work into this post?)

Best known as Tracy Turblad in Broadway's Hairspray, the bubbly actress fell victim to Dancing With the Stars' passive-aggressive voting patterns -- fans love to root for the underdogs (like Marlee Matlin) and the atypical ballroom blitzers (like Marissa), as long as they don't win. The mirror-ball trophy is reserved for slender, good-looking athletes, silly girl. (Because they don't already have enough of a stranglehold on our affections.)

I'm not suggesting Marissa should have won; but really, she never had a chance.

Now we're left with an Olympian, a football player and a soap star. Hmm, wonder where we've seen these central casting characters before? With no great love for any of the finalists, I'm choosing ...

...to just watch and not make any predictions.

Dancing in the dark tonight

I'm not ashamed to say I have no idea who is going to get axed tonight on Dancing with the Stars. Could be the Broadway cutie, whose second number last night had Carrie Ann actively campaigning against her.

Or will it be the Dolphins' DE, just because so many male athletes have already won this competition? Dunno.

Kristi's probably safe, and Cristian is still riding the wave of sympathy for his torn biceps tendon. Wimp!

The worst part of all of this: I lost 10 bucks last night when my wife and I started debating whether that really was Adrian Zmed in the DWTS audience. I swore it wasn't. As usual, she was right.

Zmed fans, of which I am one, might be interested to know he will soon be headlining "Adrian Zmed in Concert" for Princess Cruise Lines. So come aboard, Zmed's expecting you.

Mario not so super on Dancing with the Stars

He had the hip-hop moves and the smokin' hot chemistry with Karina, but the fans just weren't feelin' it for Mario, the young R&B singer who was voted off Dancing with the Stars last night.

I had predicted Mario would make the finals, but the judges, particularly Len, built up an unhealthy dislike for Mario, even though the guy couldn't be more charming. He can seek solace in the arms of Sabrina, the Cheetah Girl who was also dismissed too soon.

This week's shows were all about Cristian and his wounded wing. He danced through the pain of a ruptured biceps tendon, and earned the top scores.

Woop-dee-doo. He bores me. So does Kristi, even though she's going to win.

The semifinals are next week. Here's hoping we get a better cast of dancers next season.

Dancing with the Stars: Shannon is gone ...

Stupid me ... I forgot to watch one night of DWTS and it turns out to be the big dramatic night when a celeb is struck down with an injury and almost dies.

Lucky me ... DWTS recaps, in painstaking detail, the Monday night show on Tuesday. So instead of watching the Mavs lay down like dogs in the playoffs, I got to relive, in all of it's slo-mo glory, Cristian de la Fuente rupturing his bicep tendon.

Nasty. Serves the dude right, though, for having such big muscles. He'll get no sympathy here.

Voters, however, felt sorry for him, and not Shannon Elizabeth, who blubbered Monday night when the judges said she danced like a dork. (Or was that her partner who said that?).

Note to Shannon: There's no crying in ballroom. Faint or break a hip, and we'll talk.

Cristian, meanwhile, needs surgery but is going to put on his best bull-fighter face and gut it out. Wow, I bet Cheryl Burke can't wait for that first lift next week.

Finally, I must pause a moment to marvel at the ongoing, bizarre beauty of DWTS: Where else could Def Leppard, Kenny Maine in makeup and mainstream sex kitten Samantha Harris all co-exist on one stage?   

Marlee Matlin gets the hook

If there were ever any doubts about the no-mercy judging on Dancing with the Stars, it was wiped away last night as the show disposed of its first deaf competitor, Marlee Matlin.

She was gracious in defeat, and there was lots of "your you're an inspiration" applause, but bottom line: she wasn't good enough. On DWTS, that means your a goner.

Behind it's nicey-nice facade, this show is brutal, but fair.

Dancing with the Stars: Priscilla has left the building

I'm a little slow on the DVR button, but I managed to watch just enough of Dancing with the Stars last night to see Priscilla Presley take her final bow.

The week before, it was Adam Corolla who got the boot, which proves my theory that despite all its pomp and circumstance, DWTS may be the most fair and on-the-money reality TV contest out there.

They always manage to get rid of the weakest dancers and the grating personalities, so that when it comes down to the final few weeks, you are seeing the best dancers and most charismatic competitors.

That said, it's not really necessary to watch until they get to that point. See you in a few weeks, Mario and Kristi.

Dancing with the Stars: Giving the Gut the boot

Steve Guttenberg got the heave-ho on last night's DWTS. Told ya.

Now he can go back to being Wilford Brimley's pool boy.

DWTS: Penn Jillette goes poof

he giant magician/comedian couldn't conjure up enough hoo-doo voo-doo to keep him dancing, and neither could Monica Seles. She's sweet as could be, but about as graceful as Michael Moore at a Republican fund-raiser.

My only wish is that this show, and its sadistic taffy-pulling producers, would give the heave-ho to a few more couples each week so we could get to some real dancing.

It's a flavorless crop of stars this season -- Kristi Yamiguchi is an elegant dancer, but she's got the personality of an ice skate. And Jason Taylor, well, the hunky football star is great -- if you like dancing mannequins.

So please, oh, please, just boot Toyota Carolla and The Gut and the way-too-bubbly Broadway girl, and get on with things, puleeze!!