We've all heard the ol' axiom: Don't drink and dial.
Google is taking that a step further by looking out for your drunk a-- in the digital age with a new feature called Mail Goggles. It's like a little Gmail angel on your shoulder asking: Do you really want to proclaim your undying love for the boss' 17-year-old daughter? Or tell the world about your extra nipple?
Mail Goggles, which is only effective late at night and on weekends, kinda like me, requires you to answer five relatively easy math problems in 60 seconds before your Jerry Maguire manifesto is thrust onto the interwebs.
If you can't do the math, you can't do the e-mail. (Hey, you activated the program! Don't blame us!!)
Critics have already pointed out flaws. Mail Goggles is not available on Gmail for cell phones. And that's how most desperate and drunken messages are sent.
Here in North Texas, temps dip into the mid-70s and we declare it a beautiful fall day. But for some of us transplanted northerners, fall means blasts of burnt orange -- and I'm not talking about Longhorns.
Take a peep at some of these purty leaf photos from Waitsfield, Vt., where some friends vacationed recently and were nice enough to share their snapshots. Let the oohing and ahhing commence:
All the sour news out there these days, we need a little sweetness in our lives, right?
Behold "sensepalum dulcificum," better known as the miracle fruit from West Africa that makes everything -- Tabasco, lemons, life -- taste sweeter.
Flavors From Afar has announced its second Dallas' Flavor Tripping Party, scheduled for Saturday, Oct. 25. For 15 bucks, you'll get all Willy Wonka'd out on this magic berry that makes Balsamic vinegar taste as sweet as a Pixie Stick.
Our own Kristin Campbell went to the first Dallas Flavor Tripping Party, and she still breaks out into a big smile describing the experience. So go, and if Saturday's party is sold out, FFA says they're likely to add a second date on Sunday Oct. 26.
So I'm rolling out of bed about 4 this morning for the early shift here, and onto the TV screen pops a news item about a couple of monkeys who have been trained to wait tables at a Japanese restaurant.
Evidently it's in Utsunomiya City, Tochigi Prefecture.
And it caused me to reflect in a haze on my earlier career in the bar business. (Weren't all journalists in the biz at one time or another? Certainly, at least as loyal patrons.) Now it's come to this, and I suppose deep down I always knew it was so: A monkey can do the job I was paid to do.
But what does this do to my prospects when the market falls through the floor and we all lose our jobs? Too early in the day to think about this.
Anyway, here's the short, YouTube version of the monkey story, posted without accompanying commentary:
If you want to see the ABC News feature on it, it's here.
Bowling fans, please indulge me a post about my other sports obsession: golf.
If you've watched any PGA tournaments on CBS in the last 8 years or so, than surely you've come to love David Feherty, the quick-witted Irishman whose on-course reporting keeps viewers from slipping into comas.
Well, Feherty is also an admitted basketcase who loves booze and bicycles, not necessarily in that order. And in the current edition of D Magazine, he tells how he got hit by a truck while riding in Big D.
As usual, he lays bare his life and skewers his foibles. It's a great read. And I, for one, am glad Feherty is upright and back on the course. Even my wife thinks he's hilarious, which makes it easier to justify watching six hours of golf on the weekends.
Listening to the umpteenth news report this morning on the economic bailout and then reading the headlines "crisis deepens," I snapped:
NO MORE NEGATIVE NEWS!!!!!! Please!
So in an attempt to save my sanity (and maybe yours), I debut Happy News, my feeble but totally snark-free attempt to bring a smile to your face or a ray of sunshine into this dark, dark world. So here goes:
Watch this video, and try not to smile:
Keep an eye out for more Happy News next week. And if you find something that makes you smile, by all means please share. No rules, except you must leave your cynicism at the door.
That's the latest attention-grabbing suggestion from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals -- the same group that recently offered to buy ads in the bathrooms at D/FW airport.
The braintrust at PETA sent a letter to Ben and Jerry, thinking the chunky monkeys might want to go easy on cows and start suckling at the real power teet -- human breast milk.
Doesn't look like anyone's taking the suggesti on (or PETA) too seriously, but I do think it'd be fun coming up with a name for Ben & Jerry's breast milk ice cream. I'll send a free pint of Cherry Garcia to best suggestion.
Clearly, he has anger issues, judging from his latest throwdown with a fan at a bowling alley in Utah. But you'd be perpetually p.o.'d, too, if you'd grown up on TV with Mr. Drummond and that Hazel-wannabe Mrs. Garret.
Besides, Gary's occasional mad moments are child's play compared to the felonious antics of his kiddie co-star Todd Bridges and Dana Plato, may she rest in peace.
So give a Gary a break. And would somebody please find out the most important detail of this story: