The Kingpins of Cowtown

The tennis runway review

See, I'm not the only one who think the tennis fashion has trumped the actual tennis at the U.S. Open.

Roger Federer: The Man in Blech!

Am I the only one who absolutely hated Roger Federer's jet black evening wear, complete with tuxedo shorts and black socks like my grandfather used to wear? That's OK, if you're a condo commando in Boca Raton. But an 11-time grand slam winner at the U.S. Open? I don't think so.

I love Roger, but the black is blech. It made Serena's and Roddick's outfit look downright classy.

Pete says black is the, um, new black at the Open, but give me Maria and her skyline red dress anyday.

Just to prove that I'm not the only one obsessed with tennis fashion, check out this blog, too. It actually has details on the outfit, his shoes and Roger's man bag with irridescent blue swoosh. Geez!!!

We wear short, shorts

Don't look now but Rafa's famous clam diggers seem to be creeping upward. Pete, a Nadal apologist, says the guy does his own laundry and simply left the pants in the dryer too long. I say he's finally come to his senses and is going to stop dressing like a peasant boy.

I do dig the pewter pants and tennis-ball yellow shirt. But, as Pete points out, the color could be a distinct advantage, distorting your opponent's view of the ball. In fact, Leyton Hewitt even onced lodged a complaint along those lines, but we all know his history on issues of color.

Speaking of players whose shorts shrunk, check out Venus in today's outfit. As Borat would say, verrrrry nice!

Maria Sharapova isn't the only woman in red. Check out Justine Henin. If she grows a couple feet, she'll look just like Maria.

For more Open photos, click here.

The woman in red crystals

More Ova unders: We just met a seductress named Maria. The defending champ was anything but demur in a seamless red dress with 600 (count 'em 600!) crystals. The shmata was tres, tres chic -- and got more pub than Maria's drubbing of Roberta Vinci last night at the Open. Maria, we salute you! (Though we did cringe at the silky black cover-up you wore while exiting the court: this isn't ice skating, girl!)

Nipping at Maria's heels on the fashion front is Nicole Vaidisova, another statuesque blonde with machine-gun groundstrokes and deadly looks to match. She went with a happy Easter-egg blue dress and matching visor. I think the message is: "I'm young, I'm cute, don't worry about me, Maria." And then she steals the spotlight -- and maybe the title.

As for the men, Andy Roddick did his Johnny Cash/Man in Black thing last night. Very boring, kinda like Andy's game. But Justin Gimelstob, the 30-year-old journeyman who is retiring to a career of commentating, made more wardrobe changes than Madonna. Wearing a rainbow of different shirts in his otherwise uneventful defeat to Roddick, at least Gimelstob went out in style.

Take a note, Andy. 

Finally, here's one way for no-name players  to get noticed. Wear a shimmery gold dress and an ill-fitting bra. Works for me. (For the record, that's Bethanie something or other.)

Tennis dresses, anyone?

Bowling is my favorite sport, but tennis is a close fourth -- behind golf and curling. Therefore, I offer this expert (and totally unsoliticed) commentary on the U.S. Open. Specifically, catty comments on the fashion -- which is much more fun to watch than the actual tennis.

And because every Joan needs a Melissa, my buddy Pete Alfano (who actually does know something about tennis) will chime in, too. Excerpts from our conversation this morning:

Serena's wardrobe malfunction: Her black dress with the provocatively placed pink band was FAB-YOU-LUS -- if you're going for that I'm an undercover cop on a stakeout kinda look.

And when she started fiddling with the bow late in the match, lordy, even Janet Jackson was holding her breath in fear of a double fault.

Pete suggests form-fitting shorts and a crop top to better accentuate Serena's buns of steel. My focus would be above the neck, where her ghetto-fabulous hubcap-sized earrings could cost her the tournament.

Fashion Grand Slams: Venus, unlike her younger sis, was a vision in torquoise. And Roger was regal in royal blue.

The Ova under: Who can keep all the Russians Amazons straight? I can, because Svetlana Kuznetsova stands out -- and not in a good way. Then again, she did defeat another Ova - Klara Zakopalova of the Czech Republic -- in the first round.

Crown Vic: Ana Ivanovic of Serbia was a vision in lavender. She may not make it past the quarters -- but we'll be clicking on her web site for months to come.